January Haikus

1/1/12
On those restful days
When we do nothing at all
I feel we connect

1/2/12
I like our ritual
Even when you’re not around
Just coffee binds us

1/3/12
Cold has descended
To remind us it’s winter
How odd weather is

1/4/12
Tell me what you need
I’ll do my best to serve you
I am truly yours

1/5/12
Coming home so late
Disrupts the rhythm we have
I love your patience

1/6/12
Yes you wanted cake
And in a flurry it came
Fastest cake ever

1/7/12
Another road trip
Our only goal is sharing
and maybe some food

1/8/12
Your hand on my chest
Soothingly you say “relax”
The world stops for you

1/9/12
It’s time to prepare
As we go on a journey
To visit your world

1/10/12
The thought of flying
Never occurs to me here
It’s drug addled brain

1/11/12
Politics aside
Republicans disgust me
It is their dead eyes

1/12/12
True friends are comfort
There’s no judgement, only this
Shared love experience

1/13/12
A day of stories
Families are such fodder
A fascination

1/14/12
When I look at you
It’s the sense of home you bring
That keeps me happy

1/15/12
You don’t dance, you say
But I see you every day
All you do is dance

1/16/12
Your face glows brightly
Your touch heals the deepest wounds
Your lips sweet reward

1/17/12
Sleep comes to take me
I’m aware of you near me
I rest easily

1/18/12
It’s a mystery
How these past few years have flown
Yet time isn’t enough

1/19/12
It’s a dream come true
But it’s a reality
That I never dreamt

1/20/12
It’s the ease of it
How our togetherness flows
Even miles apart

1/21/12
More time for just us
We are deliciously trapped
Snow covers outside

1/22/12
Awareness alone
Improved my outlook on life
Wise one, I thank you

1/23/12
Never be alone
I am always in your soul
Just reach out to me

1/24/12
Days pass and we build
Without knowing our love grows
We get closer still

1/25/12
Yesterday a dream
Today nothing but heaven
Tomorrow all hope

1/26/12
Pensive I see you
You tap your foot to a beat
That only you hear

1/27/12
Reach out to me now
Hold me close I cannot sleep
I’m restful awake

1/28/12
Another morning
That was priceless in my book
You’re the one for me

1/29/12
Can’t remember when
The thought first came to my mind
Very glad it did

1/30/12
How quiet it can be
But I haven’t known silence
Remind me of it

1/31/12
Truth is always here
None of us can hide from it
Just let it happen

December Haikus

12/1/11
December is here
With freezing temperatures
And festive spirit

12/2/11
Your lips I dream of
Even when they’re within reach
Sweetest sweet I know

12/3/11
Being near you each day
I’m filled with inspiration
To be the best man

12/4/11
It’s early Sunday
We are sitting side by side
I love watching you

12/5/11
Today in traffic
Suddenly I was cut off
I calmly forgave

12/6/11
The feeling of dread
Autumn always seems to have
Winter’s cold wipes clean

12/7/11
No matter what’s done
I cannot elude a cold
Each year at this time

12/8/11
I am always struck
By the patience you posses
You’re ever loving

12/9/11
You feed my body
It is my soul you nourish
With your loving food

12/10/11
Popular adage:
“Charity begins at home”
You bring it to life

12/11/11
He shows up sometimes
To remind me of “could be”
My own flesh and blood

12/12/11
Holiday season
Wasn’t like the rest of the year
With you it’s year round

12/13/11
To give you credit
For my own success at work
Is imperative

12/14/11
It’s interesting
How tactile focused you are
It’s delicate love

12/15/11
Some forget kindness
When dealing with those close by
That is never you

12/16/11
Yes, you were bothered
By today’s activities
But I’m proud of you

12/17/11
Your hands gesturing
Hold my eyes captive, bewitched
Enamored in time

12/18/11
Time slips away quick
But I hope there’s enough nows
To last forever

12/19/11
Sweet kisses from you
Envelope my whole being
Like nothing else can

12/20/11
Your very actions
Write a poetry unmatched
By any writer

12/21/11
Embrace me today
I feel a torrent of doubt
Remind me of us

12/22/11
When you are amused
The light is sharper, brighter
For you are the source

12/23/11
No one has to ask
Generosity abounds
When you’re here with me

12/24/11
It’s what you’ve shown me
Family is important
Your love astounds me

12/25/11
The future’s open
But it all scares me sometimes
Don’t want to ruin it

12/26/11
I’d have never thought
Home to be anywhere else
But it’s always you

12/27/11
Many words arise
When I’m thinking about you
But all lead to love

12/28/11
Ask me what I want
There’s nothing more to say
But your lovely name

12/29/11
Now happens again
I can’t get enough of it
It’s featuring you

12/30/11
Days may pass quickly
Becoming a masterpiece
Our lives together

12/31/11
Year’s nearly over
Maybe just another day
Excuse to hold you

Would

In a couple of weeks,

it would have been

your 44th birthday.

Throughout all these years

You’ve been in my mind

as frequently as ever.

It’s amazing that there are

only three people in this planet

that ever think of you.

Of course it’s only because there are

only three people alive

that remember you like we do.

I often wonder what kind of man

you would have been,

if you could have stayed.

I know you would be someone

I would admire,

and always would look up to.

You were younger

but you took care of me,

in the way only you could have.

I was the fragile one,

and you were the strong one,

even at such age.

How would that strength

manifest now,

as a grown man?

Maybe you would have been

there when I lost my mind.

Maybe I wouldn’t have lost my mind

if you could have been nearby.

I’ve been so alone for so long

without you.

I know it’s because no one

can ever fill your role for me.

Maybe that is too much

to assign to someone so small,

but you’ve figured large in my life.

Do you remember our marches?

Do you remember our drumming?

Do you remember hugging?

I remember us laughing a lot.

I remember your hands.

I remember your hair.

Have I told you about her?

Her skin is like yours;

her hair is too.

Is that strange?

I’ll talk to you again soon,

like I always do

when no one is around.

I hope you hear me.

I hope you understand English.

I miss you so much, my Brother.

España

If you have read my previous posts, you know that we went on vacation to Spain at the beginning of November. We visited Madrid, Barcelona, and Sevilla. This was the first trip for us to Europe. We had originally talked about going to the UK, but as the trip got moved to later in the year we decided that Spain would make more sense. As the trip got closer I started thinking more and more about what it would be like to visit the country of my long ago ancestors. During the trip I posted a blog entry about my ancestry, and about what this trip was starting to mean. A month later, I can finally write what this trip was like.

Plaza de la Encarnacion, Sevilla

Plaza de la Encarnacion, Sevilla

Arrival

I love that some airlines show you exactly where you are at the moment. During this flight, after the second movie, the screen continually updated with our location. When we were just about over the coast of Portugal, I stopped reading and just watched out the window. I began seeing the outline of the coast, and soon I was seeing little Portuguese coast towns. That is when it hit me, I was about to arrive to Europe for the first time in my life. Maybe that is not a big deal to most people, but Europe has always figured large in my mental geography. Growing up I felt a tug of war in my heart between USA and Europe. USA was where everything cool was from, but Europe was where everything classic was from.

Once in Madrid, and what seemed like the longest walk in an airport, we were in a cab in the wee hours of a Monday morning driving into the city. I was dumbfounded being in Madrid. I always expected that my first trip to Europe would begin in Paris, London, or maybe Berlin, but never Madrid. As soon as I had that thought, I realized the cab radio was in Spanish, and not just any Spanish, but Castellano. Since I moved to the US, 33 years ago, there have been two kinds of Spanish accents that I have heard regularly on radio, TV, or other media, Mexican or Caribbean, usually Puerto Rican or Dominican. However, this was Castellano, the standard language, the language of Cervantes, Garcia Lorca, or Miguel Bose. The feeling of being home was nearly overwhelming. I looked at the streets and at the few souls walking in the street, and my eyes watered. I held back the tears, well because as my mom always told me “you’re a man, men don’t cry.”

“Quiero llorar porque me da la gana.” Federico Garcia Lorca

Garcia Lorca Statue in Madrid

Garcia Lorca Statue in Madrid

That morning I saw the sunrise over the Iberian Peninsula and watched Madrid wake up. Cervantes once said “sea moderado tu sueño; que el que no madruga con el sol, no goza del día.” I did enjoy that day, and every day I woke up in my unexpected home.

Madrid

The streets of Madrid seemed at once very familiar, and very strange. The waves of people washed over us, as we walked. I didn’t expect to see so many Latin Americans everywhere we went. Of course, it makes sense, but Colombian accents would regular rise and wane around me, building that feeling that I was home. Madrid felt, and looked, like the old parts of my native Bogota.

Like Bogotanos, Madrileños seem like a serious and dour lot. Maybe it is because we were there in the rain, or maybe because the economy is not doing well. Whatever the reason, the people looked as familiar as those back in my native home. Speaking of that, when I realized that I looked like every other guy in the street with my dark hair, brown eyes, and short stature the feeling of home cemented. In the US, I’m not white, I’m brown and ethnic. In Spain, I was just another European, or just another Spaniard. For someone that “relishes” being the odd man out, it was comforting that I didn’t have to pretend there. I was just another guy.

Metropolis Building in Madrid

Metropolis Building in Madrid

Eating in Madrid proved to be tricky, as we both expected, being vegetarian. It seems that every restaurant in Madrid, and every other part of Spain we saw, has the identical menu. The vegetarian tapas available to us were limited to Patatas Bravas, Torta Española and Manchego. If we had been vegan, we would have starved for sure. For one meal we had Indian, which is as familiar to us, as a burger is to an American carnivore. We did enjoy the café culture, and took every opportunity to eat outside even in the rain. We partook of the early evening snack mini-meal. Our hotel was right next to a Chocolate Valor http://www.valor.es/valor.asp café. We visited it every night we were in Madrid.

There was one thing, and only one thing that I needed to do in Madrid, go to El Prado, the national museum of Spain. I have to say that while the museum is amazing, I was a bit disappointed. The week before we left for Spain, Mandy and I spent two days at the American National Museum in DC. There we saw so many Flemish, and Spanish works of art, that going to El Prado, was just more of the same. The American National Museum had pieces from the Renaissance through modern time, including several Picassos, Lichtensteins and Warhols. El Prado, while rich in their collection of Renaissance through the 19th century works of art, just tired us. How many paintings of the Madonna or of crucified Jesus can one person appreciate in one day?

“La abundancia de las cosas, aunque no sean buenas, hacen que no se estimen, y la carestía, aun de las malas, se estima en algo.” Cervantes.

Me in Madrid

Me crossing the Plaza San Martin

Barcelona

Traveling through Spain via train is fantastic. We had second class tickets, but it felt like we were first class. I wish Amtrak trains were half as nice as Renfe trains. For a large part of the trip to Barcelona, I looked out the window. All the time I wondered if any of my ancestors had ever seen that mound, or that other mound. The land was arid for most of the trip, but there were vineyards everywhere.

Countryside

Spain's Countryside

Arriving to Barcelona in torrential rain limited what we could see right from the start. It turned out that our hotel was right in El Triangle, next to the Plaça de Catalunya and La Ramblera, the hub of the city and where every tourist in the world seems to be always.

Barcelona seemed wholly different from Madrid. The Spanish that seemed so alluring in Madrid was replaced but the very familiar, but just strange enough to freak me out, Catalan. To my untrained ear, Catalan seems like French being spoken by a Spaniard, and nearly comprehensible to me. Luckily everyone speaks five or six languages, so whatever we said in whatever half-language we said was instantly understood. The first night we had a waiter that spoke to us in Spanish, Catalan, and English interchangeably; we responded in Spanish, and English and it was fine.

La Rambolera

La Ramblera

Barcelona is a crossroad that Madrid is not, not that far from France, and even Italy, with its own very proud non-Spanish heritage. We were in love with the city straight away. I’m certain we met fewer natives in Barcelona, than we did in Madrid, but the people were happy, hipper, and certainly friendlier.

The word for Barcelona was “architecture.” We visited as many Antoni Gaudí buildings as we could including La Sagrada Familia, La Pedrera, Casa Batlló, Casa Calvet, and Palau Güell. The vast variety of architecture of the city is breathtaking, even aside Gaudí. There are Art Deco, Gothic, Bauhaus, Classic Spanish, Post-Modern, and all other schools you can name. Someone told me that being in Barcelona is like being in New York. That comment makes both cities a disservice. They are cosmopolitan cities, and as such have many similarities, but the Catalan character of Barcelona is undeniable. We will be back, for sure.

La Sagrada Familia

La Sagrada Familia

Food was slightly better in Barcelona. It was still difficult to find vegetarian food, as all the tapas restaurants suffer from the same menu problem than the rest of Spain. The superstar Chefs of Barcelona are enamored with game meats, so their fancy restaurants, that do sound amazing, were not welcoming. We did find alternatives, and there are several vegetarian restaurants.

Sevilla

From Barcelona we traveled diagonally across the country to Sevilla. I was looking forward to that trip as I would be going very close to my ancestral home just north of Ciudad Real. I hadn’t realized that by the time we went through Ciudad Real it would be dark, and I wouldn’t see anything beyond the train station. The trip was long, but beautiful until sunset with long stretches of vineyards, and farms.

We arrived to our hotel in Sevilla around 10 PM, having not had dinner. Immediately we set out to find something to eat, which was not as tricky. In the preceding days we had figured out how to find food, but what we hadn’t counted on was the crazy streets of a once Roman city. We did find food, but once again we were pleased with the little bit of the city we saw.

I don’t think we ever got over the fact that no matter what day it is, restaurants and pubs throughout Spain are open at least past midnight. Children are out in the plazas playing football past 10 on a school night. While Sevilla is older and poorer than what we had seen up to then, people are friendlier, and happier than even the Catalans.

Sevilla

Sevilla

Sevilla’s vibe is one of relaxation, with a distinct Andalusian bent. We thought we had seen cafés everywhere in Madrid and Barcelona; Sevilla has them even more so. It is also where the stereotype of Spanish culture comes from with Flamencos, Matadors, Andalusian horses, and Gypsies. A Gypsy woman accosted us, and “read” our future as we tried to get away. She then demanded we pay her for her services. Eventually we did give her four Euros, so she would stop bothering us.

Catedral de Sevilla

Catedral de Sevilla

The architecture and art of Sevilla is an amazing combination of Classic Spanish, Roman, Moor and Jewish influences. We spent a bit of time at Sevilla’s Cathedral, the third largest cathedral in Europe after Rome’s Basilica and London’s Saint Paul’s. Also, we visited the huge Plaza de España, the Spanish Pavillion for a World Expo, and what is now the Univesidad de Sevilla, the building where the fictional Carmen of Mérimée/Bizet’s fame was said to have worked. Just when we thought we got the overall mix of architecture, we came upon Plaza de la Encarnacion and the new Metropol Parasol, the world largest wooden structure, http://www.yatzer.com/Metropol-Parasol-The-World-s-Largest-Wooden-Structure-J-MAYER-H-Architects.

We did sit around and drink coffee a lot and watched people, our favorite sport. We enjoyed Sevilla’s people the best. We saw stereotypical romantic Europeans stopping at a street corner just to make out, German tourists in sandals and socks, and loud Brits. Which reminds me; Americans get a bad rap about being ugly and loud, but British tourists seemed to be more obnoxious, more demanding of special treatment, and louder than everyone else. I now wonder if Europeans think that every obnoxious person speaking English is American, when they might be from Kent?

Mandy and Me at Plaza de España

Mandy and Me at Plaza de España, Sevilla

In Sevilla we found a Cuban tapas restaurant, with a large vegetarian menu. We made sure we ate there a couple of times. Why can’t we have restaurants like that in the Boston area? I could go for some fufu and yucca right now.

We liked Sevilla the best from the three cities. It was grittier, but more real, more accessible. The city seemed to be filled with happiness. We also stayed at the coolest hotel, a building built in the 16th century, that while maintaining its original architecture inside, it was updated and felt very modern, and clean.

The last bit of our trip was going back to Madrid. This was my last chance in this trip to get a good look at Ciudad Real, as our train stopped there. The train trip, like the others was fabulous. Arriving to Ciudad Real was similar to arriving at some of the other cities that we went by, like Zaragoza. However, I did get a bit emotional seeing what I could see from the train. I tried to get a couple of pictures but none of them came out. Still, I was a few miles away from my ancestral home and for the last time I thought that my ancestors had seen this very area hundreds of years ago.

Aside from the sights, sounds, smells and flavors that I now carry in my memory of the mother country, I was able to put it in some sort of context in my head. Long ago when I first arrived to the US, I was embarrassed to tell people that I was Colombian, or Spanish. The way that mainstream Americans seem to think of Latinos has changed for the better, but only a little since. However, I’ve been very proud of my roots for many years. I can now be proud of what I still have in me of beautiful Spain, and I can say that I understand it better, having spent a few days there.

I’m still not going to eat their jamon Iberico, nor am I ever going to attend a bull fight, but I feel part, however distant, of the country that are the current Football World Champions, that gave us the insane creativity of Gaudi, or that gave us Lorca and Cervantes.

“Españolito que vienes al mundo te guarde Dios, una de las dos Españas ha de helarte el corazón.” Antonio Machado

November Haikus

11/1/11
Landing in Madrid
I expected the yearning
To have its sole place

11/2/11
The weight of a god
That despises you for being
Brings you such sorrow

11/3/11
You are happiness
Even when you’re surrounded
By Madrid’s dour ones

11/4/11
We now leave Madrid
Foreign to me as before
Sunny skies ahead

11/5/11
I like Catalan
A nicer version of French
It’s Barcelona

11/6/11
Even when you’re ill
You can light up any room
You, admirable

11/7/11
Closer to my heart
Left Barcelona behind
For Sevilla’s sun

11/8/11
Hand in hand we walked
In the land of the bullfight
You shone like the sun

11/9/11
We ate Cuban food
Under a bright Spanish sun
Can life get better?

11/10/11
The journey begun
Takes us back to usual life
Hopefully wiser

11/11/11
I am still amazed
Everyday you open doors
Once closed shut to me

11/12/11
Still, sometime the guilt
Grips me with infernal claws
Distracts me from us

11/13/11
Tomorrow I’ll work
I am planning to miss you
Because I will be

11/14/11
How quickly it ends
Felling possibilities
No more vacation

11/15/11
It was few mere days
We held hands in Sevilla
As if it wouldn’t end

11/16/11
A glint in your eye
Momentarily I catch
As love reminds you

11/17/11
Very full of life
I find you as we embrace
Don’t want to let go

11/18/11
Routines rule our lives
In our case they’re heavenly
For they include you

11/19/11
’twas an unplanned night
Of romance and silliness
Investment in love

11/20/11
It feels romantic
Going to run together
On different paths

11/21/11
I feel like a teen
When a simple text from you
Makes my heart beat fast

11/22/11
I heard your sweet voice
While I was away, alone
Happiness rushed in

11/23/11
I’m worried about
The time spent away from you
You are in my being

11/24/11
Reflecting today
I’m thankful for you the most
A drink for my thirst

11/25/11
Nothing feels like home
Like being in your embrace
Not about a place

11/26/11
Do you ever think
If fate brought us together
Or are we just chance

11/27/11
I’d do anything
To make you a bit better
When you have a cold

11/29/11
When changes come fast
I find respite in your arms
You are my compass

11/30/11
When I lose myself
A simple act brings me back
Just reach out to you

A Train Ride

Today is World AIDS Day.  When I heard that this morning, I was transported back to the 80s.  This happens nearly every year when this day comes around.  Someone tells me about it, and I’m right back there on a train making my way to Baltimore from New York City.

I was in my early twenties just out of college, and on my way to visit a friend that had just moved to Maryland.  I was sitting on the window seat.  Next to me was a very well dressed man in his 50s.  He introduced himself to me, right as the train began to pull away from Grand Station.  I have forgotten his name, but in the years since I’ve always wished that I could remember it.

He said that he was on his way home to visit his parents.  He hadn’t visited them in a long time.  The way that he said it made me think that he wished they were close, but something had driven them apart.  I remember asking how long he had lived in New York.  “A lifetime,” was his response.

He asked me about my trip, about my friend, about what I was doing with my life.  The conversation flowed, unlike any conversation I have ever had with a stranger.  When I was younger I was very shy.  The idea of just sitting around and chatting with a stranger would have filled me with dread.  Yet, this man was very engaging.  He made me feel at ease.  I told him about my disappointment of having just graduated with a degree in engineering, and yet there were no jobs for engineers.  I told him I was thinking of taking a job in an insurance company.  I was afraid of getting stuck in career I never wanted.

He listened intently wanting to understand what was behind my words.  He asked me about my expectations, “what do you want to do?”  I talked about working for a great innovative company, or even better work for NASA.  He agreed, that certainly an insurance company was not NASA, on the other hand how long was I going to sit around waiting for NASA to come knock on my door?  I wasn’t sure how I could answer that.  I hadn’t expected to have a problem getting my foot in the door are at least a defense contractor, which of course could be a great path to my goal.

I remember seeing him shake his head.  “So you want to work for a company that makes weapons that kill people?”  He didn’t say it in an accusatory way, just still trying to understand me.  I became a bit defensive, having just spent a few days struggling with an application for a job at Aberdeen Proving Grounds.  I told him that I loved math and science, and unfortunately this was the only real option for a Mechanical Engineer, at that time.

He stared at the back of the head of the person in front of him for a while, quietly.  Softly, he said “you know Alex, you need to ask yourself a question, what will you do to get to your goal?” still staring ahead.  I knew my answer to that.  I didn’t want to be working at the Aberdeen Proving Grounds on ordinance, or biochemical weapons.  I didn’t want to be designing ladders for jet fighters at Grumman, like one of my former classmates that had miraculously landed a precious new job.  None of those things would be worth getting to NASA.  I told him so.

“I’m guessing NASA is not where you are going to be, then.”  Those words stung for a while, and just as that conversation ended another one began about something else.  I’m sure it was something less important to me at the moment.  Soon we were arriving to Philadelphia.  Some people left the train and others got on.  We continued our conversation.

A few miles outside of Philly, he began to tell me about moving to New York in the early 60s, when he was in his twenties.  He didn’t get along with his family, and had no friends to speak of.  New York was a new start.  It was a place where he could be himself, or at least that is what he thought.  It took a while but by the early 70s he was surrounded by a large group of friends, which became his real family.  He spoke of a great group of people that scraped by in Manhattan, but always managed to save for great getaways to the Berkshires, Fire Island, or maybe Provincetown.

He knew that to get that wonderful life he had to give away his biological family.  When they found out about what he “was doing in New York city,” they told him that he was going to hell.  They told him that he was no longer their child, brother, or cousin.  From time to time the ice would thaw a little and he would visit Baltimore.  The freeze would come back quickly usually within a day or so, when someone decided to confront him about his terrible lifestyle that was “against God’s wishes.”  He would leave quickly and go back to his New York family, where consolation was available easily.

I asked him if this trip was one of these thaws.  He said that it was, but this time it was different.  “I know that this is the last time I will be going back to Bal’more.”  He said this very wistfully.  He leaned over and softly said “I’m going home to say goodbye.”  I wasn’t sure I understood.  I asked what he meant.

“I have AIDS,” he said moving away from me.  I thought I saw him wince.  Maybe he waited for the face of panic, or confusion, or perhaps hate.  I wasn’t sure how to respond.  This was the first time I had knowingly been next to someone with AIDS.  “I’m sorry,” I muttered.  He smiled and moved closer again.  I asked him about his prognosis.  He said he had maybe months.  I asked him if he was scared.  He was only tired, he said.  He had already lost his partner, and many of his New York family were also sick.

I grabbed his hand and held it.  I wasn’t sure what if anything that would mean to him or me.  It felt like the right thing to do.  Just as quickly as we had moved from one subject to another we left this topic and moved on.  I let go of his hand, and we continued being fast friends for a while.

As the conductor called for Baltimore, we began to gather out things.  The train stopped and people got up at the same time, trying to get out.  We waited a little bit for the train to clear out.  We said goodbye to each other, clumsily.  He opened his arms and offered me a hug.  We hugged for a moment.  He told me to stay out of trouble.  I told him to take care.

I never interviewed with Aberdeen Proving Grounds, nor worked for a defense contractor.  I found my dream career, but it was not in NASA, and it did start in insurance.  I never forgot my few hours with this man.  I don’t remember his name, but I will never forget him.

Road Trip

The ping drives
The cans fall on the floor
They roll to the front
And then they roll back

Whispers from afar
It sounds like a refrain
I once knew, knew well

A steady clink appears
It moves forward
Building upon itself
While the Florida heat
Melts the pavement beneath

The bottles roll again
Crashing underneath the seats
Forced to hit the breaks

Whispers grow to a shout
They tell you that it all matters
Then the murmur drowns it all

Beat, upon beat slow down
All to a trickle ends
Leaving us wet and tired

October Haikus

Since my birthday in August, I set out to write a haiku everyday. Here are my October Haikus.

October Haikus

10/1/11
Tinges of summer
Left in the air, for you to
Humor me again

10/2/11
When our cozy bed
Only has you within it
Does it feel empty?

10/3/11
Are these verses trite
Do they tell you anything?
Do they just bore you?

10/4/11
A filling vessel
Growing in size everyday
It’s your love inside

10/5/11
Close to tears sometimes
Emotions do multiply
No rhyme and no reason

10/6/11
Roads lead us somewhere
The future spans well ahead
Hoping that it waits

10/7/11
Yesterday you died
The sadness surprises me
For I didn’t know you

10/8/11
Two days in a row
Allow death to the forefront
Goodbye Ireland dear

10/9/11
Above the low clouds
I feel like I’m in heaven
For I’m next to you

10/10/11
All the simple things
Acquire infinite meaning
When you are present

10/11/11
Best way to relax
Spending a long night with you
A heaven on earth

10/12/11
When you aren’t looking
I wonder about focus
With me you look ahead

10/13/11
Platitudes abound
Charity begins at home
You make it real

10/14/11
Returning back home
The happiest time of day
You are there waiting

10/15/11
A monochrome world
Infused with perfect color
In red you arrived

10/16/11
Simple household tasks
Now steeped in endless meaning
For the care you bring

10/17/11
Yes, in a month’s time
I will read this very line
Having seen old Spain

10/18/11
It is not game time
Ideas are required
Still love is the prime

10/19/11
We waited all night
People were angry for it
You made it all love

10/20/11
Do you see through me
When I’m blinded with despair
As when I’m in love

10/21/11
Emotions come forth
When faced with utter beauty
Traveling through ages

10/22/11
At the second pass
The power of ages past
Again overwhelms

10/23/11
Up high in the clouds
As natural now with you
As being home talking

10/24/11
When toiling the fields
Was the way of working men
Politics matter?

10/25/11
“Communication
Always leaves me incomplete”
The boys said it once

10/26/11
Your laugh echoes deep
My heart rejoices above all
You just smile again

10/27/11
And I grow nervous
When all upcoming events
Come to the forefront

10/28/11
You again soothe me
With all your words and your touch
You are all magic

10/29/11
You my special star
Appear in my dreams again
In life and in sleep

10/30/11
I have erred, I know
Please do not let go off me
You’re the air I breathe

10/31/11
In just a few hours
I’ll be where my ancestors
Struggled for eons

August and September Haikus

Haiku Everyday

8/15/2011
A delicious time
That moment when it strikes you
Laugh in abandon

8/16/2011
When I have to rant
You lovingly assure me
That all is not lost

8/17/2011
Even when away
You are thinking about us
How we can be close

8/18/2011
When you are playful
You remind me how serious
I thought you were once

8/19/2011
Holding you so close
Feels like the world unending
You are start and end

8/20/2011
Remember the night
When we were close yet
Thousand miles apart

8/21/2011
Seeing things anew
Your eyes show me more, as I
Get to live again

8/22/2011
Show me what you want
Your gentleness inspires
The night is for us

8/23/2011
Guide my hand, oh Lord
For I want to be the man
That she sees in me

8/24/2011
When you were a child
Did you imagine me here?
Your world is mine now

8/25/2011
Even in silence
We still talk to each other
A waive or smile

8/26/2011
Beautiful face
Curls framing such a smile
Love anew each day

8/27/2011
Your fingers curling
Around the steering wheel
We move through space

8/28/2011
Nervous meeting her
Your friend from long time ago
Not sure the reason

8/29/2011
Hurling through the sky
Has only been fun with you
What’s it about you?

8/30/2011
Home is not a place
It’s nothing less than just you
You are frowning now

8/31/2011
End of the month now
Away from you for hours
Feels like a small death

9/1/2011
In a scale to ten
You are a gazillion
I pick I’m the judge

9/2/2011
I love to watch you
At night sleeping and dreaming
I’m the luckiest

9/3/2011
Astounded by the
Observations you make
It’s a sexy brain

9/4/2011
A calm radiates
As your hands glide over me
Body soul soothing

9/5/2011
We walk hand in hand
Down the crowded city streets
All can see, I’m yours

9/6/2011
When I hold you tight
It’s not that I am clinging
I’m recording life

9/7/2011
Such serenity
Existing within our home
Oh awaken one

9/8/2011
What did you see there?
You drifted, looking away
Such green eyes I thought

9/9/2011
A long night away
Turns into a fun escape
White Mountains ahead

9/10/2011
We went in circles
But as always seemingly
The right direction

9/11/2011
I worried all night
Was it a restful night then,
In cold mountain air?

9/12/2011
“I love you” I say
Words are so inadequate
How can I tell you?

9/13/2011
A unit we form
In repose and in response
To a world of hurt

9/14/2011
Words invigorate
Arriving at mid-morning
And carry me home

9/15/2011
Five seven five verse
Written daily for a month
All for you to read

9/16/2011
When patience knocks
You invite her for coffee
Visit as needed

9/17/2011
Silliness abounds
A force that sustains our life
But yields to our love

9/18/2011
Our journeys become
A way to be together
But always be home

9/19/2011
The city noises
Filter up to our small room
It’s good to be home

9/20/2011
An off-Broadway play
Feels just like one in High School
Were we really there?

9/21/2011
Do you enjoy cabs?
If we lived here I’d be broke
Some way to travel

9/22/2011
Each moment stays fresh
Like it’s to be lived anew
When you are around

9/23/2011
Deftly your hands move
Dance not choreographed
Magic in motion

9/24/2011
When did I last say
That you have been my savior
It has been too long

9/25/2011
I’m much more in now
Since you came into my life
Don’t tell the Buddha

9/26/2011
I’m in awe of you
Is there a thing you can’t do
I bet you’ll speak Greek

9/27/2011
Some days get away
The unimportant takes over
I should stop and write

9/28/2011
The crisp autumn air
Brings me a sense of decay
Your love removes it

9/29/2011
While on the drive home
The anticipation starts
When I think of you

9/30/2011
I can be too much
But your patience with me
Makes me so thankful

Looking For My Roots

A few years ago I decided to help a friend trace her roots. It was an amazing process, made so much easier by the advent of the Internet, and the good people from the Church of the Latter Day Saints. Yes, the Mormons. The Mormons have this practice of baptizing their ancestors to help them reach Mormon heaven. Apparently, until we are baptized into LDS when we die we all hang out in non-believer limbo, which is probably a place where you get to drink alcohol, caffeine, and watch Project Runway all day. When we are rescued by our descendants, who have now moved to Utah, and have voted in Mitt Romney IV as the new president, we get to go to the heavenly kingdom. I picture it as Provo, only blonder, more conservative, and with lots of Osmonds. By the way, I hereby forbid any of my descendants to baptize me. I want to see Mondo lose again, while I sip a cappuccino. It is my special kind of hell.

LDS followers have done such an amazing job of tracking their ancestors that they have launched ancestry.com, the largest online genealogy website. For a price, you can sign up and if you have the time and inclination, and you are lucky to have had someone already do the hard work, you can easily trace your roots back to the old country.

I paid the twenty dollars it cost then, and began to work on the family tree. In about a year, I was able to trace her family tree back to the ninth century AD. My friend, who always had this idea she was strictly German, came to find that she had roots in France, Ireland, Wales, England, and various Germanic areas. I spent another month writing the story of the family in narrative form, lest anyone got tired of reading the tree full of “Hans and his son Hans.”

In the process, I learned a lot about European history, but more importantly about early European immigrants to the US. One of the more interesting bits was a diatribe by a conservative loyalist to the Crown, who was besides himself about the latest influx of lazy no-good ungodly Germans that were arriving to New York, and Philadelphia. He talked about how the government had to close the borders to these dirty people. I guess conservatives just don’t change.

Once complete, my masterpiece, that took me well beyond ancestry.com, and that exercised my dying ability to read German, was delivered to my friend and her family. The document was passed around getting some lukewarm reception and quickly abandoned for a plate of cookies. I had to remind myself that it was the journey that mattered. My learning was worth the twenty dollars, and the hours spent on the project.

A few weeks later, another friend asked me to help her do the same. This time I got lucky very quickly, and was able to serve her with a family summary that someone else had done for a very distant cousin. She was excited to find out the story of her great grandfather who had moved from London to Jamaica where she had married a young lady. The family always suspected that the young lady was mulatto, because many of them had dark skin. I found census records that showed that she at least passed as white, when they moved to New York City during the early twentieth century. She loved the story.

Of course, during this time I tried to do the same with my family roots, but apparently records in Latin America either aren’t very good, they haven’t gotten unto the Internet, or LDS hasn’t converted many of my cousins yet. Most searches ended on dead ends.

A few years ago National Geographic launched a project to perform analysis of Y-chromosomes (of course men designed this) of indigenous people looking for genetic maps of human migration from our original African ancestors. The project continues, but they have been successful in mapping a general pattern of migration starting in and around sub-Saharan Africa, out to the middle East and up to Central Asia. The Central Asian group then divides into a couple of European branches, branches that goes into Asia, and another that goes into the Americas. Those branches divide further. Interestingly, aside from those in Africa, the earliest related branch to the original humans are not in the Middle-East but are the Australian Aborigines. They are unclear on how this happened, but they seem to think that a branch quickly moved through India out to Australia, before any of the branches in other areas cemented.

After years of starts and stops looking at bits of what I could find, I decided to participate in this study. My genetics tell me that thirty thousand years ago, my paternal Cro-Magnon ancestors settled not far from where I sit right now, in Spain. Ninety percent of Spaniards, as well as Irish, and seventy percent of Brits, also share this ancestry with me. I found these facts a few weeks ago just in time for my first trip to Spain. The facts are not much of a surprise, as I clearly know where my family comes from.

My biological paternal grandfather was a fair skinned, blond man with green eyes, and small stature with the last name of Ruiz. He would easily blend in with the crowds I have seen today in Barcelona. I know nothing more about him. I don’t even know what his first name was, as I’m sure he’s not with us; he’d be in his 100s now. My Nona, never married Señor Ruiz; he was already married. Gladly I carry her surname instead, Jimenez, an incredibly common last name in Spain and all former Spanish colonies, that means nothing more than “Son of Ximeno.” This Ximeno fellow has ancestors in places like the Philippines, Guatemala, Spain, and my native Colombia; not to mention the US contingent that sometimes has allowed idiots to change the name to Jiminez. I have often thought, why don’t they just give up and just change it Jimson or Jameson?

Anyway back to the Ruizes, I don’t know when they left this peninsula for the new world. If it was early in the 16th century, it was possibly just a single male Ruiz who was with the hordes of Conquistadors looking for gold. If it was later, as I suspect from Señor Ruiz’s description, it was possibly a family looking to move up in social rank. A Spaniard family in the colonies would be placed in an instant as high society. The story goes that his family was a well to do family, as was my Nona’s. He was an older married man, and she was an impressionable and naive teenager. Her mistakes, two of them, meant she lost her status and was shunned forever from the Jimenezes, and her children never were acknowledged by the Ruizes.

The paternal line is a complete blank from 1492 to mid 20th century for me. I can easily imagine that before Columbus, my ancestors were in the ebb and flow of Western Europe, once just simple hunter gatherers, then farmers or fishermen, under the rule of Rome, or the Moors, or whatever local King was in power. One day they picked up, left, and landed in the shores of South America, and made it inland. They met others that had also made the trip, or had been in the land before the Spaniards, and continued the line.

My Jimenezes are also a mystery to me for the same “mistakes” Nona made. They also were of fair skin and well to do, which belies direct Spanish ancestry, but since we were cut off from most of the family, we grew up with no stories about the past. Once when I was 7, I asked Nona about where we came from. With a glint in her eye, she looked around and whispered “some of our family are from la bella Italia.” I told my Dad this many years later and he shook his head. He’s not one to speak badly of his blessed mother, he simply answered “I never heard that.” Nona was a flighty, naive, capricious, but tenacious woman. She could have just imagined that. I like to keep her flight of fancy alive in my daydreams. I know my ancestors lived in Spain, but why not Italy too?

I had some success with my maternal lineage, more precisely my maternal grandfather’s line. A nice lady from New Orleans did a great summary of the family, that I stumbled upon one night searching the web.

The story goes that sometime in the 14th century there was a King or Prince in what is present-day Ciudad Real (Royal City), Spain. He fell in love with a Jewish/Sephardi woman that had my grandfather’s surname. Being a royal of a Catholic territory, he couldn’t take her family into the palace, so he build a town just north of Ciudad Real that bears the name of her family, where he relocated her family, when they married. She converted to Catholicism, but her family was allowed to keep the Jewish faith.

A couple hundred years later or so, in 1492, Spain united into one kingdom and expelled the Moors back across the Mediterranean. Feeling Catholic piety, the King and Queen began a process to cleanse Holy Spain from those that were unfaithful to the Pope and Rome.

The Sephardi across Spain had to decide to stay in the country and convert, or leave. Some converted but in secret kept the Jewish faith. To prove that they were no longer Jews, they ate pork regularly, and came to be nicknamed “Marranos” or pigs. Often they were scorned and said to smell like the pigs they ate. Many were burned at the stake, or suffered worse fates at the hands of the Spanish Inquisition. Funny enough given the amount of ham I have seen since I arrived to Spain a week ago, it seems everyone is a Marrano in this country.

My ancestors didn’t stick in Spain. Some moved to France, Ireland, and the Netherlands. Those that stayed in France and Ireland eventually changed their surnames to match local spelling and converted to Catholicism or Protestantism. Some that stayed in the Netherlands moved East and commingled with Ashkenazi Jews in Northern and Eastern Europe. My ancestors took a different route.

During the colonial race between the superpowers of Spain, Portugal, and the Netherlands, the Dutch were having a hard time finding men or families to move to the New World under the Dutch flag. They offered any European, regardless of background, to move to the Dutch Antilles, or Dutch Guyana under the Netherlands’ flag, and receive Dutch citizenship and land. Many Sephardi took them up on it, including my ancestors.

As it always has happened with the chosen people, they couldn’t stay too comfortable in one place, and had to move west entering Venezuela. Of course, that brought them back into the purview of the Spanish Inquisition and finally they too gave up, and converted to Catholicism. One of my ancestors became a well known revolutionary who helped Simon Bolivar, the great General that defeated the Spaniards and liberated five separate colonies from Venezuela to Bolivia, to begin his campaign. Sometime between the mid-19th century, a branch of the family moved west once again arriving in Colombia.

That is the one cool story I have of my ancestry. The glitch however, is that I can’t directly tie my family to those in the little town in Spain. The Original researcher, and I had to assume that given that the name is very rare that all of us that share it came from the same place. Tomorrow our train between Barcelona and Sevilla will be going by near that town. I wonder if there will be any kind of ancestral recognition, if that could even be possible.

During this trip, all of this has been top of mind. I keep looking at those that are Spaniards, searching for a slight feeling, a gesture, something that makes me feel like this is indeed my place of origin. It’s not easy given that at least half of the Spanish-speaking people I have encountered are not Spaniards. Also I have probably heard more English spoken in Barcelona, than Spanish. It doesn’t help that the local Barcelonians speak Catalan.

I may not have had a feeling, or anything cathartic happen yet. The truth is there is no denying I look like these people. I don’t feel like a dwarf walking around Madrid or Barcelona. I blend in easily, something I haven’t been able to do in thirty years. I bet I could actually buy clothes at the stores that actually fit. So yes, I’m home. The home of most of my ancestors, at least. The home that was once stolen from part of them, or the home that was willingly given away in search for a better one. Funny enough, I’m not a Catholic, or a Jew. I speak Spanish only about 1% of my usual day. Pero, esta si es my España. This is my Spain.

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